It’s good to admit when one is wrong. So dear readers, I was wrong when I called Guardians (Russian) the worst superhero film ever. The reason is because I just watched the movie that has to be the worst superhero film ever. It’s worse than the aforementioned Guardians. It’s worse than Fantastic 4 (1994) and Captain America (1990). It’s even worse than Howard the Duck (1986). Yes, ladies and gents, it’s that bad.
Let me set the context. I was not expecting this movie to be bad because- Thor. I love Thor, collected Thor comics, and completely enjoyed Thor, Dark World, and Ragnarok. But this was not Marvel Thor, this was Disney Thor, and as we found out Disney Thor is a very different animal. The movie starts with a sad, thirsty, dying Christian Bale (Bale in Thor? This has got to be amazing!) and his daughter trying to survive in a wasteland. Spoiler alert- she dies. Gorr is so overwrought that when he finds an oasis, and that the oasis serendipitously contains the Necrosword, he lets his angst, and the sword, overtake him becoming Gorr, a butcher with a taste for killing all the mythical gods of legend.
So props to Disney for someone doing a little bit of research on the Necrosword. It’s a weapon in the Marvel canon. It can make Black Berserkers (hounds of darkness), it can control dark energy constructs, and it has the killing power of Galactus’ most powerful energy bolts. Deadly stuff. And that’s about where the good news ends.
Thor is thankfully not fat Thor, and has to go, with the Guardians of the Galaxy, to save a kingdom, but accidentally wrecks their temple. As a reward (punishment), the creatures give Thor a pair of space goats who are obnoxiously noisy and rowdy. It’s funny. Once. Now, the Guardians are Disney Guardians, not James Gunn Guardians, and they don’t have any of the qualities that made them so likeable. In fact, you could have replaced the Disney Guardians with cardboard cutouts of the Gunn Guardians and probably had the same effect. In retrospect, I’m not so sure they didn’t. Don’t worry, it gets worse.
On Earth, Jane Foster is dying of stage 4 cancer and decides that she should travel to New Asgard (a theme park, I wonder where that idea came from) because the broken pieces of Mjolnir, now on display under a dome at DisGard, might be able to save her. Why? Because Disney. But yeah, she makes it to DisGard and sees Mjolnir and the hammer reassembles and bonds itself to Jane. Hello Jane Foster Thor, a character from canon, but not for the reasons Disney gave us. Meh.
JF Thor, Thor, Valkyrie, and Korg all buddy up just in time to fight Gorr, who just showed up to destroy everything, because he is apparently upset about ticket prices. Things get serious fast when a retreating Gorr kidnaps a group of Asgardian children and holds them hostage. Thor and group go to Omnipotent City (was that really the name? Help.) where Zeus is in charge. They sneak in disguised, but Zeus tears off Thor’s costume using too much power, leaving him standing naked in the arena, as the 7th grade locker room jokes commence. In fact, all the humor in this whole film felt like it was written by 12-year-old boys who just entered puberty. The only thing they didn’t do was have the loud, obnoxious goats fart, and blow everybody’s hair back with the force of the blast. And I better shut up before I give them any ideas for the next film.
Thor injures Zeus, takes his Thunderbolt (I guess honor is different in outer space) and gives it to Valkyrie, because keeping it would make Stormbreaker (Thor’s battle axe) jealous. I didn’t mistype what you just read. Oh and Zeus, who Thor almost killed? Russell Crowe in one of his worst performances ever. They take off after Gorr to the Shadowlands, and can’t find him so they decide to go home, when Gorr shows up, threatens to kill JF Thor, forcing Thor to hand over Stormbreaker, which will allow Gorr to open a portal to Eternity (an actual character from Marvel canon).
After they return home, Thor travels back with Zeus’ thunderbolt to stop Gorr. Question: if someone has to be worthy to even pick up Mjolnir or Stormbreaker, how did Gorr carry Stormbreaker? I guess honor is different in outer space. So Thor travels back to the Phantom Zone or the Twilight Zone or the Shadow Zone or something, finds the kids and empowers them all to help Thor fight Gorr, including one girl with an eyeball laser-shooting teddy bear? Why? Because Disney!
Thor stops the Gorr Dogs and destroys the Necrosword (the device with Galactus level killing power) but is too late, and the portal to Eternity opens. And why did Gorr have to go there? To see Eternity? The sibling of Infinity, Oblivion and Death? Because Eternity was going to grant him a wish. No, I did not mistype that. As my beautiful and intelligent wife said, “A wish! All that for a wish? Dora the Explorer ends an episode with a wish! Not Thor!”
I don’t know what you know about cosmic characters in the Marvel canon, but the do not involve themselves with individuals’ problems or desires. One rundown of Eternity’s character said that yes if an individual like Thanos gathered the Infinity Stones into a single gauntlet to use it to tip the balance of the Universe, Eternity might have to get involved, but there’s no guarantee. Anything less would be far below Eternity’s notice. But Thor talked to Gorr and got him to wish for Gorr’s daughter to come back. She did, but Gorr died, since the Necrosword is a nasty item and sucks the life out of anyone using it. Thor says he will look after the daughter. Oh, and SPOILER ALERT- Jane Foster dies too.
So Thor takes the kids home, where they train to become great warriors, even though they just defeated all the Gorr Dogs created by a sword with Galactus level killing power. Thor takes care of Gorr’s daughter handing her Stormbreaker, and he takes back Mjolnir, and the team up to go fight crime in outerspace. The End.
Abysmal.
IMDB calls this train wreck a 6.3. No way. Not now. Not ever. When I watched the Russian Guardians film, I thought I had assigned it the lowest rating I would ever give a superhero film at 1.9. Love and Thunder gets a generous 1.3. Why? Because it sucks. Because Disney.
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