I love superhero films. I will watch one out of simple curiosity. I have seen some amazing ones, and some that are, yes, abysmal. This film falls into that category. Abysmal because it’s derivative- so much so, there’s not an original idea or thought in the whole movie. Derivative, you ask? Let me explain. No is too much. Let me sum up.
Most superhero film could be considered derivative, because they came from something else, i.e. they are not their own source material. Actually, most of those can be considered adaptations. The film was made with the consent of the source material’s owners. And in the case of Marvel and DC, the owners of the source material were actually involved in the project. That’s not a derivative project. A derivative project is a final movie or book where everything about the plot, characterization, setting, conflict is cut and pasted from somewhere else. It ends up looking like one of those kidnapper ransom notes, just all cobbled together. Because that’s what it is- all cobbled together.
Derivative works are often confused with formula projects. A formula project is like the Hallmark movies where you know that A is going to go to B and find C and overcome conflict D and live happily ever after. We know what to expect. We know its going to go according to a rigid frameworks of plot elements. But we know that going it. And long the way there are, usually, some unique elements to make the project not turn out like a carbon copy of all the other 100 films that are similar.
A derivative project feigns the concept of originality. It lies to us. We expect to see something we haven’t seen, and it’s the most egregious violation of our expectations as an audience. In Guardians, we have a story of a team of Soviet superheroes created during the Cold War (seen it). Each of the protagonists superpowers reflect the traditions of the people of the USSR (seen it). They break up and go into hiding (seen it). A new evil threatens the world and the Guardians need to stop it (seen it). The evil turns out to be a former nemesis or team member or something (it was so bad I can’t remember) and they fight, almost lose and then win.
Now, you say Deenur, that’s every superhero plot. Maybe, but superhero movie have to transcend the formula that makes them what they are, and give us new ideas, new angles, new concepts while telling a familiar story. That’s what makes most Marvel movies so good, and most DC movies (Wonder Woman notwithstanding) so bad. Guardians is literally a cut and paste adventure with no original thought, no original plot lines, characterization or concepts. The acting is bad, the directing is bad, the SFX are bad- there is literally not a single thing to enjoy about this movie. And I have seen some bad ones.
Steel, with Shaquille O’Neal, was a bad superhero film. It’s based on the DC character of John Henry Irons who became a hero by invention, wanting to develop a mechanized suit that mimics Superman’s powers. The film was campy, tropey and very formulaic. But it had enough original elements to keep it out of the abyss that is derivative. For a better treatment of the John Henry Irons character, watch Reign of the Supermen, a DC animated film, set after Doomsday kills Superman. You didn’t know Superman died? Sorry.
Steel is aimed at kids, and has some kid humor, and a couple of funny references to Shaq not being able to shoot free throws. It’s not that bad. Guardians is abysmal. There I said it. It’s not written well, acted well, directed well. Nothing. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Crummy superhero movies that are better than Guardians: The Hulk TV movies with Bixby and Ferrigno, the Captain America TV movies with Reb Brown (no kidding), Super Capers, Mystery Men, and Steel.
IMDB gives this train wreck a 4/10, and Steel a 2.9/10. No, no, no my friends. Steel gets the 4/10 (see my later review) and Guardians gets a 1.9/10, making it worse than Manos: the Hands of Fate. Yes, I’m being harsh. Yes, it’s that bad.
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